Colonoscopy Preparation

boatto5er

Founding VA Chap Ldr (Ret)
Written by Dave Barry:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 3.2 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 

jimtoo

Moderator
I know the above is a good, funny description of the procedure, but it can be a life saver.

That's a pretty good description of it actually. I have had about 15 of them and the prep is the worst part. They have some new stuff out that works good and you don't have to drink quite as much. I actually was awake during a couple of them and watched the monitor as it was happening. But then the rules got to strict.

The main thing is if your over 50 I think it is highly recommended. If your doctor says you need it, get it done. It saved my life twice.:angel:

Jim M
 

2010augusta

Well-known member
Too funny and too true!, I had to use MoviPrep for some X-rays of my colon to figure out if I I diverticulitis or something else, unfortunately for me my procedure was the day after the Super Bowl, so Every one was at our house enjoying a large spread of food and snacks, and I am drinking broth and Gatorade and running to the restroom every 10 minutes.
 

Delaine and Lindy

Well-known member
Great Post.

Dave that is about as good a post I have seen recently. Delaine and I just done ours in July. We had them before and during our yearly Physical the PCD as when was the last time we had a Colonoscopy. Delaine was in the room so I couldn't talk my way out of it. It had been 13 years since I had one. Anyway we did the same as Dave and of course we were happy that things came out well, and no problems noted. But the truth is if you haven't had a family history of Colon Cancer when you turn 50 get the Colonoscopy. It may very well save you life. As we all know most normal men don't like the idea of anything going up the exit ;) but I really like living. Again thanks Dave for a excellent post. GBY....
 

PSF513

Well-known member
Colonoscopy Prep

GUS: That was a great explanation of your activities. Remind me to tell you my story when we are in NC.

Glad you are healthy and, I presume, got a 10 year Get Out Of Jail Free card
 

dbylinski

NE Reg Dir Retired
Gus, I am so proud of you for taking care of your health no matter how embarrassing things may be. I'm even more proud of how you told that story. Took way too long to read it as the tears wouldn't allow my eyes to focus from laughing so hard. Great news from the Doc!
 

boatto5er

Founding VA Chap Ldr (Ret)
OK - to set the record straight:confused:, I have had "The Procedure" (and everyone should), but it was a couple of years ago. I was just posting the comedian Dave Barry's story of his experience!
 

ralphpam

Well-known member
I too laughed my way through it but I agree everyone needs to get one. I had my third one this summer and they found colon cancer this time. They operated and got it all out and now I am going through chemo to get any microscopic leftovers. The doctor says I should be fine after chemo but I am thankful I went through the funny prep.
So after a certain age everyone should sit on the pot and blast their way to the doctor for a procedure most people sleep through.
 

jimmiemh

Member
Wow...as I was reading my wife is in the bedroom sleeping off the meds as she had her "1st" this afternoon. All went well as mine did about 4 1/2 years ago - oh, guess what I get to do next year. As all will agree the prep is the worst, but hey, does a body good to get ALL the poisions out every 5 years or so. Vodka huh??? We were also warned about getting on the computer and not to make any purchases or send out any e/m untill you are 100% back to your normal state of mind, whatever normal is. Guess some have made purchases that they did not remember doing and ordered again the next day and the e/m'n...well one can only imagine.
 

dieselsweetheart

Well-known member
A great way to start the New Year..although I would not schedule my exam around any holiday that involved gorging yourself with lots of party food! Not going to miss out on any of that!! However, 2 days AFTER the party would help you lose all those extra calories you've ingested! There are doctors out there who do prescribe the little brown "bombers" instead of the liter of snot (well, that was what I thought it tasted like, and didn't get 3 sips past my lips...instead, cancelled my procedure and found a doc that gives you the 3 brown bombers...way better!)... so, 3 brown bombers and 2 small green bottles of the citrate. Yes, that is some salty stuff...but that is how it works. I doused mine in large quantities of Sprite...still tasted the salt but it was much more do-able than the liter bottle of snot.

And good news for me too. I don't have to see that guy for another 10 years.

Be brave. The procedure itself is nothing. It's an IV and then nighty-night...with no hangover when you wake up!

The night of the prep, get yourself a good book, light a few candles...and send your hubby (wife) away for the night ...(shopping works).. and have fun!
 

jmgratz

Original Owners Club Member
I have tried the pills and the liquid and rather the liquid. The pills made me feel like I had to go right up to the time of the procedure.
 

goldenbetty

goldenbetty
Something for all to consider before your procedure. Four days before "D" day, begin eating light foods such as soup, malts, yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs. Refrain from leafy vegetables, meats, and salads, of course. This will aide you in a clean preparation along with the liquid - #1 way to go ( no pun intended).
 

rick_debbie_gallant

Well-known member
If this stuff were to be used on a terrorist, combatant, or other wise as a means of extracting information from them it would not be allowed, it would be considered inhumane and/or torture!!!:eek: Hummm on second thought maybe all of the people that are captured should be given a complete physical on their intake. Just to make sure they are okay. And then repeat as needed... I am sure the ACLU would get involved or the Amnesty international folks:rolleyes:
 

jmgratz

Original Owners Club Member
If this stuff were to be used on a terrorist, combatant, or other wise as a means of extracting information from them it would not be allowed, it would be considered inhumane and/or torture!!!:eek: Hummm on second thought maybe all of the people that are captured should be given a complete physical on their intake. Just to make sure they are okay. And then repeat as needed... I am sure the ACLU would get involved or the Amnesty international folks:rolleyes:

Good idea. To ensure their health, shave their head (to prevent lice), do an endoscopy to ensure digestive health, do the colonoscopy to ensure no colon cancer. While were at it how about a CT scan to be sure they are not hiding anything. In that way we are being humane by looking out for their health.
 

rick_debbie_gallant

Well-known member
Good idea. To ensure their health, shave their head (to prevent lice), do an endoscopy to ensure digestive health, do the colonoscopy to ensure no colon cancer. While were at it how about a CT scan to be sure they are not hiding anything. In that way we are being humane by looking out for their health.

Pull txxxh, prevent cavities.
 
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JohnDar

Prolifically Gabby Member
Nah, we need to insure they're not allergic to sea food. Slowly lower their private parts into a bowl of hungry piranhas. If they scream without spilling the beans on their cohorts, they're not allergic.

As for colonoscopies, or the "Hubble/Star Trek Exam" as I call it, I had my third a couple of weeks ago. The first one was in 2001, and they cut out a small benign polyp, even gave me a photo of it. Since then, it's been clean pipes. With the first one, I had to drink two gallons of GoLyte. That's not truth in labelling. There was no "go lyte" about it. Tasted like lemon flavored dish soap. This time, it was only 2 liters of some other concoction that came with two pills. Drink half one day, the other half the day of the exam. Much easier. The doctor's name is Salimi, but he told me the first time that folks called him "Salami." I almost jumped off the table :eek:.
 

Tom_Diane

Member
Lucky you, I will tell you that from experience the procedure is well worth it. In 2006 I went 3 or 4 months with problems. I took the gallon of juice the night before also but never really got the desired results. but went for my appointment anyway. My results were expected, I had colon cancer. That was in May of 06 and was told after the surgery the next day that I was not going to make that christmas, had I not gotten taken care of when I did, I had a very aggressive cancer. started into the bladder and treatment was for stage 4 because they had no written authority to take the bladder and didnt hold much hope for recovery even tho the diognosis was at stage 2. They wanted to take the bladder. Colonoscopy's are very important. All we can do is make light of it and have a good time doing it. But atleast you have a unique picture you can pass around proudly at the family dinner table instead of the usual grandkid pics
 

Larryheadhunter

X-Rookies Still Luving it
I came home from Vietnam in 1970, and had really bad stomach cramps. Long story short, all kinds of parasites they couldn't even identify were in my stomach. My wonderful father picked me up from LAX, where all the protesters called me baby killer etc. and threw fruit and tomatoes all over me. My dad on the way home from the airport informed me he had registered me for college starting the following week. I probably stopped at every gas station rest room on the way every day to school. LOL Anyway the VA decided I needed a barium enema, which was horrible, but it showed bad stuff, so on to the colonoscopy's, and to date I have had one almost every year since 1970, totaling close to 40. --------------- But all of us need to have these procedures every year once you have had a problem and every year once you hit 50. It could save your life. So know my wife says every time I pass gas without warning, she tells friends it's a war injury. LOL What an excuse. I am a service connected Vietnam veteran for flatulence first, before all the other stuff that plagues me now, which are too numerous too mention, thanks to the US Army. And that is the way it was. Now go make an appointment and make sure your colon is in good shape. The alternative is devastating.
 
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JohnDar

Prolifically Gabby Member
Lucky you, I will tell you that from experience the procedure is well worth it. In 2006 I went 3 or 4 months with problems. I took the gallon of juice the night before also but never really got the desired results. but went for my appointment anyway. My results were expected, I had colon cancer. That was in May of 06 and was told after the surgery the next day that I was not going to make that christmas, had I not gotten taken care of when I did, I had a very aggressive cancer. started into the bladder and treatment was for stage 4 because they had no written authority to take the bladder and didnt hold much hope for recovery even tho the diognosis was at stage 2. They wanted to take the bladder. Colonoscopy's are very important. All we can do is make light of it and have a good time doing it. But atleast you have a unique picture you can pass around proudly at the family dinner table instead of the usual grandkid pics

Glad to hear you're beating the odds they gave you. Although I make light of the procedure, it was the result of a home Hemocult test my primary care doctor gave me during a routine check-up to do at home and return. A trace of blood in the stool, and you go. I get a physical every year out of force of habit.
 
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