Subject: Sensible Observations

soilmovers

Well-known member




1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown



2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown



3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey



4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy



5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry



6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger



7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone



8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien



9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery



10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni



11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson



12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez



13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson



15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde



16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain



17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry



19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased



20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields



And lastly: Why in **** should I have to Press 1 for English??
 

CGibson

Active Member
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown


This is my favorite. I am a teacher!!!!!!
 

TXBobcat

Fulltime
That was good.. I found one that made me laugh harder than I have in some time... Saw this in another forum.. but it was worth repeating..


Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'they're my brother's boots.
My Mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for release from the institute in three years.


 

buckeyebob

Well-known member
i laughed till i cried!!!but being a part time(now that i am retired from general motors)bus driver i could relate.i drive a mrdd bus and take people to their jobs and we have the coolest conversations!i also drive the senior citizens to the senior center ,doctors(a lot of doctors) and shopping at walmart,the mall etc.taking 8 women most over 80 and 1 over 102 shopping at walmart is a day to be remembered!!!i pick up and drop off only,but carry all groceries in for them.you can get on that bus feeling sorry for yourself for some minor ailment and in short order realize your life is wonderful.we have a pair of bald eagles on a nest that is 200 feet from a bar parking lot and i always take some trips to show the eagles.i bet a lot of people drive by and see that county bus in the bar parking lot and think all those seniors are in the bar!!!!i dont think i could handle the teachers job though!!i have 2 grandaughters of my own!!!buckeyebob
 
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